Monday, August 5, 2013

Women Unwise

Tried and tested ways of goading your man to say to another woman: “My wife does not understand me!”
1) “Honey, not tonight. I have a headache.” – Age-old classic that can dampen even the most ‘uplifted spirit’, shall we say! He’s done it all – brushed his teeth, lit up aromatic candles, cooked your favorite meal, even put on the most romantic music in the house. You lead him up the garden path, get into your stroppy black thing that would make Anne Summers baulk,  belch your way through the meal, even do dirty dancing with him and just when it’s time for action, you utter these immortal words! Wow, woman, what perfect sense of timing!!!
2) “I’m not your mother” – Use the following in this order and watch the marriage fall apart like a deck of cards – “You expect me to wake up early morning and cook for you?”; “You don’t even say thank you for my effort”; “You have the cheek to say i don’t make parathion like your mother?  HELLLLOOO!! Don’t you get it I’M NOT YOUR MOTHER!!! AND DIG THIS, I DON’T EVER WANT TO BE LIKE HER”!!! Seriously, which husband can resist such a lavish display of filial affection!!
3) “I am not the most important thing in your life anymore” – But you are. You’re his cook; his maid; his vibrator, sometimes even his dirty socks. Before marriage, you loved being all these things to him. This was your way of worming into his life and making yourself indispensable. But now you don’t. And you expect him to understand.  He won’t. Whoever told you husbands have lateral thinking???
4) “You’re not the man I fell in love with” – Actually he is. He’s exactly that man – loud, messy, unkempt, fatty, belch, a tad smelly and a lot insensitive. It didn’t matter when you guys were dating, you were so sure you could change all of that and make him a true blue toy-boy once the sat phrase happened! But hell, it’s your failure that you were not half the woman you thought you were. But will you admit it? Duh?? NO way, so this banshee wail is your classic (un) mating song!!.
5) “Why can’t you be like my father / your best friend / my brother-in-law / my best friend? They are such lovely husbands.” – My god woman, surely Shakespeare should have learn script writing from you! What motivating lines!! If getting a ‘rise’ out of your husband was what you intended, you sure did, only thing, another woman benefited from it!!
6) “Even after all these years, you have no clue what I want” Poor jerk, how will he when you don’t?  Last time you demanded foreplay but a month later when he followed the script, you wanted to him to cut to the chase. Somewhere in his pea-sized brain there was this stored nugget of information from long ago that you liked ice-cream, so one evening, he decided to buy  you Death by Chocolate. And misguided soul that he is, he actually expected you to “do nice-nice” to him, maybe with the chocolate? But who said you were predictable? Smothered him you certainly did, just not where he was expecting it ! Poor sod, how could he have known that the phrase “damn you do and damn you don’t” was coined just for people of his ilk???
This article first appeared here was a guest blog written for a friend, in response to his article – Men: 5 ways to throw your marriage down the drain!

No comments:

Post a Comment